Survivor
Don’t Touch the Oven Season 46 Episode 4 Editor’s Rating «Previous Next» « Previous Episode Next Episode Survivor
Don’t Touch the Oven Season 46 Episode 4 Editor’s Rating «Previous Next» « Previous Episode Next EpisodeI have seen far too many bad American Idol auditions using Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” to ever say the word aloud, but that is just what I was shouting at my television as Bhanu finally met his end after four long episodes. See, this is why I hate when there are non-elimination episodes. We had to sit through 90 more minutes of being totally and absolutely annoyed by Bhanu before his inevitable ouster. Why was the ejection of one of the most annoying players to ever play the game so drawn out?
This really was like an old-school Survivor episode in the worst possible way. They brought back “tree mail,” which hasn’t been seen since Rob Mariano’s 54th attempt to unsuccessfully win the game. And then, getting really old school, there was a reward challenge. Yes, Jeff Probst killed the reward challenge about a decade ago because he decided that a challenge that has nothing to do with gameplay is actually a cuck and he needed it eliminated. There are a lot of things from old-school Survivor that I would like back — including starting with only two tribes and finishing with only two finalists — but these two can go the way of rotary phones and not knowing the names of every single Taylor Swift song.
The episode starts with the losing Yanu (a.k.a. Purple) tribe, and I just know, I just know, that they’re going to be back here again at the end. I don’t know if it’s the editing or I’ve been sleeping with a Magic 8 Ball under my pillow for a fortnight. Then Bhanu tells Q and Tiff that during the last episode of the journey, he told the other tribe members that Kenzie was the mastermind and that the two of them were close. What drives me crazy about Bhanu is encapsulated in this first scene. He tells Tiff and Q that he did something bad and then admits the truth to them. After that, when they’re upset, he asks, “Did I do something wrong?” Yes! Of course you did. Even you know you did; that’s why you told them it was bad. Why do you need them to comfort you and tell you it’s all right when you know you did something wrong? Maybe, I don’t know, just stop making all of these stupid mistakes!
It’s so frustrating; I can only imagine what it was like being in a tribe with this dude. His tribe is totally over it. Kenzie sums it up perfectly, “Why did he even come out here? He could have just gone camping!” Yes, why indeed? Now he’s ruined four people’s games, including his own. What’s even worse is what Kenzie points out. They reamed him after the tribal council where they voted Jess out about not talking, and he still did it. The most annoying thing about Bhanu isn’t that he does stupid stuff; it’s that he does stupid stuff, knows it’s stupid, and then can’t learn from it.
Next, we go over to Siga (a.k.a. Green), where Jem has a truly, truly, truly not outrageous plan to re-hide the Beware Advantage clue so that someone else can find it. She places it in a tree near the water well and, right on cue, Maria reads it. The tribe then spends the afternoon digging under the tree like the unfound tomb of Tutankhamun is beneath it, which is protected by fire ants and some of the dirtiest dirt I have seen outside of the National Enquirer.
Jem says this is the fun part of the game, but I think this is a plan that could easily backfire. Once they’ve dug so deep that lava is seeping up to set the whole Fijian forest on fire, everyone thinks the clue is replanted. Moriah says she thinks it’s Tim, and Jem says it could be Ben or Tim. This is what Jem wants, for the suspicion to fall on someone else. But this whole gambit seems mislaid. It turns the tribe into a game of The Traitors, which would be great except Alan Cumming and his outfits are nowhere to be found. Now you’ve taken a tribe where there is at least some trust and bonds and made everyone suspicious of everyone else. This fosters an environment where the suspicion could turn right back around on you, and then you’ve pissed off everyone in your tribe, you don’t have a vote, and you haven’t gotten the key to the idol yet. Jem might be laughing all the way to getting her torch snuffed.
Blah, blah, blah, reward challenge, blah, blah, blah, Yanu finally wins some fish, but since they don’t have a fire yet, they can’t eat them, so they get a tarp instead. Nami (a.k.a. Orange) comes in second, and Siga gets nothing.
At Yanu, they can’t even enjoy their win because they have to teach Bhanu how to play Survivor. He’s so emotionally needy that he needs Kenzie to pledge she’ll help him. When she gets a little testy, he goes to sulk in the woods. Jesus, Mary, and Josephine Baker, get this man off of my television screen already.
Luckily, back at Siga, we get a little comical interlude when Moriah finds out that there will be jumping in the challenge, and she needs to be taught how to jump. Wait, this woman can’t jump? That’s like a basic human movement. Not being able to swim is understandable. Water can be scary. Not being able to ride a bike, I get it. Falling onto the pavement is hard. Not being able to whistle, sure. It’s not scary, but do you need it? Not being able to jump is like not being able to blink or chew with your mouth closed or operate a manual toothbrush. How did she get this far in life without being able to jump? When her tribe-mates try to teach her, we see that, no, this woman is not physically capable of jumping. Even Mario can jump from mushroom to mushroom, and he’s a tiny-ass plumber with horrible knees.
At the immunity challenge, Jeff is on a raft and shouts, “Come on in!” even though everyone is on motorboats and can’t even hear him. (Who are you talking to, Jeff?) At the challenge, they have to swim through the water, climb up a tower, jump off of it, climb up a shorter platform, jump off of that, get some buoys, and then land three of the buoys in a target. It took every ounce of self-control in Soda’s body not to shout, “Yeah, BUOYYYYYYYY!” when she arrived at this challenge.
Once again, Nami pulls ahead, and when they get to the final task, Hunter sinks three buoys in three straight shots. I think Hunter needs to dial it back a bit at challenges. Yes, Nami keeps winning, which is good in the short term, but come merge, the first time this dude loses a challenge, they’re going to send him packing like he’s four years behind on the rent. Nami wins, and there is a showdown between Siga and Yanu, and Yanu loses once again. They might not have, but Bhanu didn’t climb the second platform and had to go back and do it again. Not only is he bad at camp, he’s also terrible at challenges. As soon as the challenge was over, I was hoping that Kenzie would raise her hand and say, “Jeff, we all want to vote for Bhanu. Can we just skip tribal and say the episode is over?” Sadly, she does not, and there are still about 20 minutes left. We’re going to spend another 20 minutes fixated on Bhanu? That’s like, what, the highlights of ten MrBeast videos?
The rest of the episode can be summed up in Bhanu crying and cursing God: “If you wanted my story to end so soon, you shouldn’t have put me on Survivor in the first place.” I hate to get all graphic T-shirt wisdom about it here, but don’t be sad it’s over, be happy that it happened at all, dude. Yes, he fruitlessly searches for an idol, and then, when he can’t find it, he lies in the sand as if he’s dead. The worst, however, is when he literally goes to Tiff and begs her on his knees. She tells him straight up she won’t talk to him until he’s standing.
But why should any of these people keep him? He’s bad at challenges, he leaked all of their secrets, he can’t be depended on to even do simple tasks around camp. He is completely and utterly useless, and Jelinsky is at home with a Bhanu voodoo doll, wondering why they kept this guy over him. Tiff literally tells him she’s voting for him and says it’s because he can’t be trusted. I feel a little bad about this because Bhanu is so sensitive, but I think he needs to hear these things. I think he needs to hear that he’s annoying and bad at this. He needs to hear that you can love something and not have to be a part of it. I love watching cliff diving at home on my couch, but you’re not getting me anywhere near that ledge, honey. Oh, hell no.
As Bhanu gets ready for tribal, he says, “I learned honesty has no part in this game.” You learned that? He keeps repeating how he’s a superfan and watched every episode. There has never, not even once, been an honest person who has won this game. He learned that? He should have known that before even filming an audition video. It’s like the last episode where he was looking for an idol by moving around coconuts. When has there ever been an immunity idol under a coconut? Never! Does this guy even know the game that he purports to love so much?
We finally get to tribal, Bhanu tells his story about growing up in poverty, making his way to America, and meeting his husband. It’s sweet and touching, but I have never relished Jeff snuffing someone’s torch as much as when he put out Bhanu’s. Now that the annoying distraction is out of the way, can we please, please, please, please, please start playing some fucking Survivor already?
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